It's been a struggle at work. In the midst of all this financial turmoil, people often come up to me and ask if the business is affected adversely by all the doom and gloom in the markets. The truth of it is that it isn't because of the markets that we're suffering right now. My boss has for one reason or another decided to abandon the tried and tested way of trading that we've been employing somewhat successfully in the last few months, and try some other new methods which seem to be promising but of which I know cannot possibly deliver the kinds of profits that he's hoping for. And I've spoken to him about my concerns, but he has chosen to ignore them. Call it greed, foolishness, hubris. I don't know. I've got a feeling that somehow my days are numbered at this place.
I've got a long term goal of starting my own trading firm. I thought that I could learn the ropes working with my current boss, but recently I'm thinking more and more that there's nothing more I can learn from him. I thought I could develop trading systems for him and take an override of the trading profits, but he seldom wants to commit capital to testing my ideas - while constantly throwing money away on his own. I decided recently that I've got to learn to trade for myself. I've been putting off trading my own account for a long time - everytime I do, I find myself losing money due to emotional trading and lack of discipline.
When in an environment with complete and utter freedom with no accountability and no external rules, as the markets are, it's easy to lose all restraint and engage in overly risky behaviour in pursuit of a profit. It's in this environment that I truly peer into the recesses of my own soul and I see something very very ugly lurking in there. There's this urge in me, to take risks, to seek out excitement, to stake it all on my opinion of where the market is headed and to glory in my predictive powers. And when I'm wrong, it hurts. It drives me crazy. I end up throwing more and more money in to try to recoup my losses. And so far I've been lucky enough to make money in this almost mad process. Okay, to put it in perspective, I'm only risking $20 each trade (my account allows me to trade in very very small sizes) and when I am in my 'tilt' mode the most I have risked is $200. That's nowhere near the days when I put up a few thousand and lost it all in ten minutes when I was still extremely naive about this game. But it's the principle of it you see. It scares me to know that there's that thing in me that can discard all reason and go well beyond the boundaries I have set for myself in pursuit of avoiding losses.
I feel a bit like Dr. Jekyll. I'm afraid that Hyde will ultimately consume me and I will self destruct as my boss has.
But I know that as I lay down my life and take up my cross daily, God is faithful and He will keep me safe. I know that as I walk in Him and align my thoughts and desires with His He will make my paths straight. I can't. He can. Even though it hurts, I choose to die to myself and my own desires and embrace Him. I know that He is faithful and that He will provide for me ever so abundantly not just financially but in every aspect of my life.
